|January 15th 2016 | Manhattan Bridge, New York City|
Photo: La PETITE Blog
I am on the precipice of complete and utter ruin. I am currently lacking in faith, funds, confidence and reassurance that 'tomorrow' will be okay. I have hit an all time BLOCK in life - from losing my mother after a ten month battle with cancer and shortly there after (two months and twenty-four days to be exact) losing my brother suddenly; I have completely and utterly lost my focus and drive.
I once had a thriving career as a fashion stylist - working with celebrities, publications - etc.; when I took time away to deal with being a caretaker and then grieving - I wish someone would of informed me that those contacts, those 'friends' I thought I had all but disappeared. Phone calls are sent to voicemail, emails and texts unanswered - so here I am.If I want to be a stylist again I will have to start all over again - here's the honest truth - I have no interest in styling. Frankly I have no interest in anything at the moment.
Without a steady stream of income, really no security on where I am going to live and living in complete fear that all this stress and anxiety is going to leave me completely and irrevocably broken. It's just been too much to bear.
Here's the question: What am I to do? I do not own anything of any value besides this MacBook Pro I am currently perusing - and even this has depreciated as it's from 2011. I have this blog - yes, this blog I started in 2008 on whim because I was in between styling projects and wanted an outlet where I can share things that I fancied. I never really focused on my blog being a 'business' because I kept it somewhat as a hobby - but now it's literally all I have.
My question to you (whomever is reading this - or not) is there hope for me? How do I pick myself back up?
For the past nine months I have gone to grief counseling and recently therapy to deal with it all - from the bereavement to the anxiety (and yes, depression) I have even started meditating. The photo above is me walking from Brooklyn to Manhattan to my meditation class (it's a free series) during the walk I was actually reciting the Rosary, asking God to give me clarity, to give me hope - honestly to give me faith because I have none.
Then today happen. I participated in a Google Hangout chat with GivingUpOnPerfect.com blogger and author Mary Carver discussing her new book Choose Joy: Finding Hope and Purpose When Life Hurts (Faith Words) a new book about the amazing Sara Frankl who lived with Ankylosing Spondylitis an autoimmune disease resulting in chronic pain. Sara was confined to her home because of the disease and transcended at the age of 38. During the chat Mary spoke about how Sara had a joie de vie about her, that her joy was a choice and a testament to the 'fruit of her spirit' - sentiments I can relate to that of my grandmother who lived with Alzheimer's and Parkinson's disease (she passed a year before my mother, my mother was diagnosed literally six months after we buried her....) and my mother who was constantly in a state of gratitude even at the very end - even to that of my brother who was a shining light to the entire family during my mother's services yet he was literally on his last days but was of service to others. People like Sara, like Granmél, like Mommy and like Frantzy are a rare breed. They have the clarity and the strength to Choose Joy - but what about people like me?
I have so many questions and I am not going to be scared (anymore - well I will try not to be scared) and I will ask them until I find the answer that leads me to joy. Maybe reading the book (which I haven't done yet) will be a good start,
I literally have nothing to lose.